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    Stories for those who want to look within --- at others.

                                               # 7  
I Can't Say It

- a twenty-eight year-old woman -

Hi, my name is Ashley, and I am afraid to say, “No.”
I feel embarrassed to admit it, but when people are talking to me, I nod my head, make just the right noises -- Uh uuh.  Really?  Oh, I see.-- and laugh at jokes that are not funny.
Why? 
Well, I do not like it when people are unhappy with me, so I agree, and agree, and when asked, Yes springs to my lips and drags me along with it. 
What I want most is to say what I think, to be genuine and, above all, to stop using that stupid, fake, way-too-cheerful voice. 
I am so addicted to agreeing that I think I need a 12-Step Program. 
No, think about it.  During our meetings, we could discuss the Step that reads, “Go back as soon as you can and tell the person, “I am addicted to agreeing.  If I did not have this problem, I would have said…”
Of course, going back would be scary, but my sponsor would encourage me on my cell phone, right up until I was in front of the person.  I would then pull the phone from my ear and begin talking before I could run, or, even worse, start agreeing. 
In fact, if I had a sponsor, I could ask her what to do when somebody long-winded was talking to me and I had to urinate. 
She would say, “As soon as you realize that you do not want to be there, whatever the reason, interrupt them and excuse yourself.  It is important to—.”
Interrupting her, I would say, “I cannot just interrupt them.  I do not want to hurt their feelings.”
“No, what you really mean is that you do not want to risk their disliking you.”
I would shrug and say, “I hate the thought of making an enemy.”
“You are excusing yourself to urinate, not causing the person irreparable damage.  It is important to speak up for yourself.”
I would shake my head and sigh, “I guess.”
She added, “You know that everyone will not be your friend no matter what you do.”
“But I have to try.  I mean, it is important to consider the feelings of others.”
“Over your own feelings?” she asked?
My sponsor would pause, and then add, “Not long ago, my husband suggested we go to this little French restaurant I love.  I immediately countered with, ‘Let’s have Mexican food downtown’ [his favorite].  He insisted on French.
“At the restaurant, we got into a fight, because he did not think I was acting pleased enough about the way he had put himself out for me.  The problem was that I did not feel like French food that night. Wouldn’t it have been better if we had both said what we really wanted?”
“Are you telling me never to put other people first?”
She would smile and say, “If you do not speak up for yourself, who will?  Speaking up can also open the way for others who have a tendency to hold back.”
Okay, right, I know, I do not have a sponsor, but if I did, she could role play with me.  I could pretend that I was in difficult situations and practice voicing the truth.  I could also practice saying the toughest word of all: “No”.  And, I could learn to stop using that way-too-cheerful voice.
But, of course, there is no 12-Step Program for people like me:  no sponsor, no support, no help at all; so, I am just not sure what to do.
...the end

thisHumanCondition.comdjsperaw@sbcglobal.net
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# 1

Winning Once and for All


Dillon hit the steering wheel and cursed at the pain.  Jammed in Monday-morning traffic, he was thinking, “It is too much.  My ex-wife gives me grief on the weekends, and I have to fight Jerry all week long.”
Far ahead the light turned green.  Dillon hit the steering wheel again, though not nearly as hard.
“But I’ve had enough!” he thought.  “Jerry will either change his attitude this morning or—.”
He suddenly hit the brakes, as a sports car cut him off. 
When Dillon finally pulled into work, he jerked the car to a stop.  Slamming the door, he headed straight to Jerry’s cubicle.
Jerry was on the computer, his back to the opening.  Dillon clenched a fist and said, “Jerry!”  The man tensed and turned his chair.
Dillon leaned into his words: “I need that report by noon tomorrow!  No excuses!  This has gone on way—.”
Jerry nodded quickly and interrupted, “Sure, I have it all ready for you.”  He reached up and pulled it from the shelf.
Dillon, speechless, stood staring at the first page.  Eventually he stuttered, “Oh, well, uh, good.”  Glancing up, he half-heartedly asked, “Uh, how about the McGreggor work up?  You know, we really need to get on it."
Jerry said, “No problem, I have already started.  I will have it for you ahead of schedule.”
Dillon realized his mouth was open.  He shut it, nodded uncertainly and left.
Later that afternoon, Dillon was back at Jerry’s cubicle.  He stood there hesitating; finally, he knocked on the partition.  Jerry swung around with a smile that died. 
“Hi,” he said nervously.
Dillon again hesitated, then asked, “Why the sudden change?  I mean, glad to see it, but why?”
Jerry looked embarrassed, and said, “Oh, I just decided to get a report in on time for once.”
Feeling even more uncomfortable, Dillon slid into the other chair and said, “Look Jerry, this has been bugging me all day, and I really would like to know.”
Jerry dropped his eyes, scratched his head, and eventually said, “It felt like we were in a struggle.  It even seemed like I had to fight you.”
Dillon was silent. 
Jerry looked up.  “I kept thinking that this was a miserable way to live.  Anyway, I decided to let you win.”
In a flat voice, Dillon repeated, “Let me win.” Click for a great ending
Also on this page is: 
  Winning Once and for All

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ABOUT
This Website
Daniel Speraw
    Psychology wants us to believe that we hide from ourselves:  we are told that if there is something in our looks or our behavior that is too uncomfortable, we do not want to know.

    Imagine three men, who are extremely talkative.  Any  one of them could say, “I am outgoing, you talk too much, but he is a motor-mouth."

    Of course, nobody wants to see themselves as a motor-mouth, but seeing the truth is an important beginning to positive change.

    Throughout life, I have searched (religion, meditation and psychology) with one goal, to change:  to find a life without pretense, able to connect more deeply with those in my life.
 
    The fictional stories that follow are a result of this search.  Each is meant to ease one of life's inner-struggles or outer conflicts.